Rarest Words

You may envision going out to a beautiful spot and scattering your loved ones remains. While this can be a beautiful, ceremonial and a very healing way of returning a loved one to nature, it can also be a disaster. The following guidelines, will make the experience a positive one and make the final wish of your loved one, “I just want my ashes to be scattered” to come true.

To begin, often the word “ashes” is used to describe cremated remains. The media portrays it as light ash. The reality is the remains are bone fragments that have been mechanically reduced. They normally don’t gently flow into the air. It is more like heavy sand That being said there is some dust or ash that can blow in the wind, so when scattering cremated remains make sure to check the wind so they don’t blow back in people’s faces or onto a boat.

You will also want to consider the legal requirements to scatter remains. In no state is it legal to scatter remains on private property without permission from the property owner. Many parks also have rules and permit requirements so you will want to check into the requirements.

If you do plan on scattering the remains, many people are choosing to keep some of the remains in a keepsake container or mini urn. Some people feel they still want a part of the person and sharing the cremated remains is a way to still have a part of the person with you. Keep in mind, you will want to make sure the partial remains are in a sealed plastic bag inside the keepsake or mini urn. A funeral director can handle this for you. Many products are also available such as diamonds that are made out of the remains, jewelry that is designed to hold the remains or hand blown glass paper weights.

Techniques for Scattering

Casting

Casting is a way of scattering where the remains are tossed into the wind. As I mentioned previously, you will want to check the direction of the wind and cast the remains downwind. Most of the remains will fall to the ground and some of the lighter particles will blow in the wind forming a whitish-grey cloud.

One person in the group may cast the remains or scatter some and hand the container to the next person so everyone has a chance to ceremonially cast the remains. Another option is people are given paper cups or casting cups and they cast simultaneously in a sort of toasting gesture.

Trenching

Trenching is digging a hole or trench in the ground or sand and the remains are placed into the trench. The remains can be placed directly into the trench or placed in a biodegradable bag or urn. At the end of the ceremony survivors often rake over the trench. A deceased name can be drawn in the dirt or sand- perhaps inside of a heart. The remains could also be placed inside this name and heart. You may consider taking a photo of this for a memory book. If done at the beach, it can be timed that the tide comes in and ceremoniously washes it out to sea. Family and friends may want to join hands and form a circle. If not too windy, candles may also form a circle around the site. The candles are then given to each person as a keepsake.

Raking

Raking involves pouring the cremated remains from an urn evenly on loose soil and then raking them into the ground at the conclusion of the ceremony. It is important to keep the urn close to the ground when pouring out the remains due to wind. Survivors may wish to take turns raking the remains back into the earth. If you choose to do this at a scattering garden at a cemetery this is how they will perform the scattering.

Green Burial

This is done either at a “Green Cemetery” or at a traditional cemetery. Often cemeteries will allow you to place a biodegradable bag or biodegradable urn on top of a gravesite or a family member as long as it is buried. Obviously, you will want to check with the cemetery and see what their requirements are.

Water Scattering

Water scattering involves placing the remains into a body of water. A biodegradable bag or urn is recommended. This is most often when cremated remains can blow back into a person’s face or get washed up onto the side of the boat. Both experiences can be traumatic and not the everlasting peaceful memory you envisioned. If you search on the internet or in the phone book you can find people that have boats and are experienced. There are urns on the market designed to gently float away and then quickly biodegrade into the water. Many people throw rose petals or flowers into the water after the urn. If the remains are in a biodegradable bag they may sink so you also may wish to throw a wreath of flowers into the water and watch the wreath drift away.

Air Scattering

Air scattering is best performed by professional pilots and air services. The airplanes are specially designed to handle the cremated remains. Some professionals will arrange for family and friends to be on the ground watching as the plane flies over and a plume of remains can be seen from the ground. If survivors are not present, the service will provide the specific time and date of the aerial scattering. Often it can be arranged that close family and friends fly along.

While scattering cremated remains can be emotionally very difficult, hopefully by knowing your options and being informed it will make a difficult time a little easier.

Mary Hickey is an urn designer and thought leader in the funeral industry. She is co-founder of Renaissance Urn Company, based in San Francisco. For some drastically needed new life celebration ideas, contemporary memorial poems and verses visit her site www.nextgenmemorials.com. Hickey can be reached at hickey_mary@hotmail.com.

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On June 2 at 8:00 pm ET, Reuters news service issued a press release announcing that the FDA have nearly completed final review of the conditions outlined in the February “deemed approvable” letter for VNS Therapy as a treatment for chronic depression. Cyberonics Inc. said that the FDA had nearly completed final review of conditions outlined in the February approval of its implanted device for treatment of chronic depression.

The FDA approved the VNS Therapy System pending final labeling, protocols for a post-marketing dosing study and patient registry, as well as resolution of manufacturing issues and any outstanding clinical trial issues.

The company said a follow-up inspection of its Houston headquarters will begin on Monday. It also said four manuscripts from clinical trials of the device were accepted for publication in “respected psychiatric peer-reviewed journals.”

In a statement, Chief Executive Skip Cummins said the company expects to launch sales of the device for “treatment-resistant depression” once minor labeling changes are made and the follow-up inspection has been satisfactorily completed.

Cyberonics also said it has entered a formal quiet period with regard to all public communications pending a final FDA decision or other material information requiring disclosure.

In a statement, Chief Executive Skip Cummins said the company expects to launch sales of the device for “treatment-resistant depression” once minor labeling changes are made and the follow-up inspection has been satisfactorily completed.

Charles Donovan was a patient in the FDA investigational trial for vagus nerve stimulation and depression. After 25 years of chronic depression, vagus nerve stimulation completely cured his chronic depression. The author is so grateful and humbled by this remarkable device. He chronicles is journey in his book Out of The Black Hole: The Patient’s Guide to Vagus Nerve
Stimulation and Depression

Learn more at his website: http://www.VagusNerveStimulator.com

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A good bout with the ‘flu can bring on such dark thoughts about life, as in I do wish people would stay home when they’re sick. Then I wouldn’t have caught this. For the very young, the elderly, or those with impaired immune systems, influenza is an extremely serious illness that may lead to pneumonia and even death. ‘Flu shots can ward off the worst of influenza’s effects. However, even as a reasonably healthy person, you can feel miserable for several days at least, if you catch a different strain of the ‘flu. A severe cold can also make you suffer just as much.

So why isn’t everybody considerate enough to stay home when they’re sick? In no particular order, here are seven reasons why people come into work anyway, when they’re sick:

1. Financial reasons - their employer doesn’t provide “sick days” with pay, or they’ve had a rough year, and have already used them up, dealing with doctor and dental appointments, or the illnesses of family members.

2. They still have sick time left in their quota for the year, but their inhumane manager informs them they’ve had too many medical absences already, and can’t take any more time off. It makes the department look bad!

In both of the above cases, the only possible alternative is that they take vacation days. Some people have those available to use; some do not. It depends partly on the longevity of the employee, relative to company policy. And in case you think the second scenario doesn’t happen, it does, and far too often in businesses in the U.S.A.

3. They have a very heavy workload, which sits there, waiting for them to come back. No one else knows how to do the work, or no one else has time, because their own pile of “have-to” projects is so heavy, in a typically understaffed company.

4. They think they have work that is so important that no one else can do it. This type of employee also tends to hoard vacation days, and eventually has to be forced to take those.

5. They really do have work that is so important that no one else can do it. A paramount example is the payroll in a small to medium size company. If that lone bookkeeper or accountant doesn’t come in to the office on specific days, none of the employees will receive their paychecks on time. And the ripples from that can mean a crisis for many individuals. Even a poor soul undergoing chemo may feel obligated to come in too soon, so that others don’t suffer. Employer, where is your substitute, your temp?

6. Top brass has scheduled a strategic meeting that’s too critical to miss. At least, you are absent at your own peril. In some cases, by not attending, you may find yourself out of a job. On the other hand, you may return to find yourself gifted with a new project that someone volunteered you for, in your absence.

7. And then there’s the bronchial executive, so full of herself and her germs, that she spreads illness to all of her employees without discrimination. We can always hope that higher management will notice, and tell her to stay home before the company grinds to a standstill. Yet sometimes, the only solution for us is to look for work elsewhere, before the next ‘flu season starts and we are knocked flat again by she-who-can-do-no-wrong.

No employee enjoys being around sick coworkers, especially those who can and should stay home, once they’ve realized their allergies are really something else that is contagious this time. However, if we recognize the reasons why they come into work anyway, we can be more understanding–where it’s justified–and better prepared to handle them. This may include taking in an aerosol can of disinfectant and using it in our work area. Can you spell Hint?

© 2006 Shirley Ann Parker

Shirley Ann Parker is a full-time technical writer. She is also the author of Discoveries: A Journey Through Life, a delightful collection of short stories about the joys and frustrations of family life and friendships. Discoveries is available from http://www.bbotw.com and other online bookstores. Read more about Discoveries at http://www.shirleyannparker.com, and see more of Shirley’s creative work at http://www.cafeshops.com/topazcoveplus

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More often than not, depression is diagnosed through intervention. However, sometimes, you are the first to realize that you need help. How do you go about asking for it? How do you find someone who can direct you to the best way to find it? Your best friend, although someone you would trust with anything, may not be the best person to approach first, especially if they do not know anything about these diseases.

If you are identifying as depressed on your own, then you should first find someone with some knowledge on the subject. It might be a friend who suffers from the condition, or it might be your doctor. Ask them how you should proceed. They will be able to refer you to a therapist who will either agree to treat you or help you find someone who is better suited to your condition. Remember, not all therapists deal with depression, some deal with addiction, others with family counseling. So just because a therapist refers you elsewhere is not a judgment of your condition. If you are getting treated through your insurance, they might try to find you a therapist who works with your insurance.

Looking for your support system is not hard to do. Start with your best friends, and work out from there. You will find that you will have a large support circle so take advantage of it. It is best not to stress out any one friend asking for help too often. Rely on different friends, because that way you won’t have people worry unnecessarily. But don’t worry about worrying them unnecessarily. If you need help, go get it. Your friends will be there to help you.

Learn to alleviate your depression at http://www.curemydepression.com

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The FDA has acknowledged the link between antidepressants and the increased risk of suicide in children, adolescents and adults are also at risk for suicidal thoughts and actions while taking SSRI (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor) antidepressants.

In 2004 the FDA acknowledged the suicide/antidepressant link with children and now requires “Black Box” labeling to alert parents of the harm that can befall their child while taking antidepressants. That warning has now spread to all age groups. The FDA has now issued a Public Health Advisory (PHA) calling for an update to health care providers and patients about the recent scientific research and publications that there is an increased risk of suicidal thought and behaviors in adults taking antidepressant medication.

The FDA, using a similar approach that was used in the evaluation of the risks of increased suicidal thoughts and behaviors in their pediatric studies, requested that manufacturers of antidepressants drugs provide doctors with information from their drug trials.

In accordance with the 2nd FDA warning the Public Health Advisory advises patients and health care providers be aware of the following:

_ Close observation of adults may be especially important when antidepressant medications are started for the first time or when doses for the specific drugs prescribed have been changed.

_ Adults being treated with antidepressant medicines, particularly those being treated for depression, should be watched closely for worsening of depression and for increased suicidal thinking or behavior.

_ Adults whose symptoms worsen while being treated with antidepressants, including an increase in suicidal thinking or behavior, should be evaluated by their health care professional.

The above recommendations are also consistent with the existing warnings that are in the approved labeling, or package insert, for antidepressant medications.

Antidepressants have their place but it is our belief that other options should be exercised before resorting to the potentially dangerous drugs. There are many options in between the wide gap between doing nothing and taking antidepressant medication. In dealing with depression, diet and exercise changes are highly beneficial. Herbal and homeopathic remedies can also offer valuable help in the battle against depression.

Jeannine Virtue is a freelance writer who focuses on health related issues. For information about effective and natural treatments for Attention Deficit Disorder and Depression in adults and children, visit the Attention Deficit Disorder Help Center at http://www.add-adhd-help-center.com

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Most people have heard of most phobias. Mention claustrophobia, social phobia, or arachnophobia and everyone pretty much knows what you are talking about. Mention agoraphobia, and most people will just shake their heads.

Because of this, many people who get agoraphobia often take a year, and in some cases, many years, just finding out what is wrong with them. Since the panic and anxiety symptoms that come with agoraphobia are so physical, people who get agoraphobia commonly visit a succession of doctors trying in search of a diagnosis. Since medical doctors are not usually trained to diagnose agoraphobia, let alone anxiety disorders, agoraphobia has had time to become deeply rooted in most people before they know enough about the disorder to seek the proper treatment and being recovery.

In light of this, here are some basics about agoraphobia:

Agoraphobia is “anxiety about, or avoidance of, places or situations from which escape might be difficult (or embarrassing) or in which help may not be available in the event of having a panic attack or panic-like symptoms.” (DSM-IV)

Agoraphobia is a type of anxiety disorder. The term “agoraphobia” comes from the Greek words agora (αγορά), meaning “marketplace,” and phobia (φόβος), meaning “fear.” Literally translated as “fear of the marketplace,” people with agoraphobia are afraid of open or public spaces.

In reality, most people with agoraphobia are not so much afraid of open and public places as they are afraid of having a panic attack in these settings, especially settings in which there may be no one to help in the case of a panic attack or actual emergency.

The most common symptoms of agoraphobia are:

1) Panic Attacks: Periods of intense fear, usually lasting about ten minutes or so (but sometimes longer).

2) Avoidance Behavior: Avoiding places and situations that are hard to escape from or that might be embarrassing to have to suddenly leave. Most commonly, this is because they fear having a panic attack or unexpected catastrophe and not being able to get help or get away.

3) Developing “Safe” People: People with whom the agoraphobic is highly familiar with and feels emotionally close to. “Safe” people are usually parents, spouses, children, or close friends and relatives.

4) Developing “Safe” Places: Places in which the agoraphobic feels psychologically comfortable. The most common safe place for someone with agoraphobia is his or her own home.

5) Scanning: Obsessive monitoring of one’s own body for strange or unusual symptoms.

6) Fear of being alone: This is related to the fear of having no one to help in the case of a panic attack or real emergency.

If you suspect that you or someone you know might have agoraphobia, don’t waste any time in learning about the disorder. Research has shown that the sooner you start the recovery process the more likely your chances of a successful recovery are.

You can learn more about recovery online at www.agoraphobia.ws the Agoraphobia Resource Center website. The site was started by a recovered agoraphobic with the intention of helping others learn about and recover from agoraphobia.

Stephen Price is a recovered agoraphobic. Since his recovery, he has devoted himself to the study of agoraphobia and to helping others overcome the disorder. Since his recovery, Stephen has earned masters degrees in psychology and counseling and has published original research on anxiety.

Contact:
Stephen Price
Agoraphobia Resource Center
http://www.agoraphobia.ws
559-322-6898

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Insomnia is a sleep disorder which can be subdivided into three areas. It is characterized by any of the following:

a) light, interrupted sleep that one is still tired upon waking up

b) not being able to sleep, even if fatigued,

c) lack of sleeping hours.

Insomnia can be classified into three types based on the length of time it affects an individual.

Transient insomnia lasts less than a week. It is due to changes in living or working conditions. Then there is Short-term insomnia, or acute transient insomnia, which lasts for less than three weeks and has similar origin as transient insomnia.

Finally there is, chronic insomnia which may be classified as primary or secondary:

1) Primary chronic insomnia - not caused by any physical or mental condition.
2) Secondary chronic insomnia - due to physical and mental problems, such as depressive illness, or emotional and psychiatric illness.

Insomnia is symptomatic of underlying disease or imbalance, Knowing the cause of insomnia is very important before deciding on a course of action such as medication.

Depressive illness is the most common cause of chronic insomnia, more so in the elderly. One study indicates that depressed elderly patients, if suffering from insomnia, have a tendency to be depressed for over a year.

Another study shows that even if an elderly patient suffers from insomnia, without any prior depressive illness, they have a high risk of being depressed and is usually seen in women. Insomnia can affect ones’ lifestyle in a negative way. Worrying, then causes depression.

Symptoms of depression are characterized by sadness or misery. Many people have experienced some temporary feelings like this at one time. Clinical depression is a mood disorder indicated by feelings of sadness, anger or frustration. Such symptoms can affect daily life for an extended period of time.

Another interesting point you may not be aware of is that some medications used for symptoms of depression can cause insomnia. This is because these medications change the quantity of mood chemicals to make the patient more positive again but at times, these make the patient anxious also.

Prozac, Paxil, and Zoloft are known as serotonin-reuptake inhibitors. Serotonin is an important monoamine neurotransmitter that plays a large role in depression, anxiety and bipolar disorders. Some serotonin is converted by the pineal gland, the pea-sized gland at the center of the brain, into melatonin. Melatonin is a hormone that helps regulate the sleeping and waking cycles.

In addition to the prescribed medications to treat insomnia, a patient may also practice the following procedures to combat insomnia.

* Control exposure to caffeine, alcohol and nicotine.

These three substances are known to disrupt one’s normal sleeping patterns.
* Maintain regular sleeping time and waking time.

This would help in maintaining the circadian rhythm thus minimizing the effects of fatigue caused by insomnia.

* Regular exercise is good for the body but this shouldn’t be done late in the afternoon or early in the evening.

This is because exercise tends to start-up the body. If the body has gained more energy by the end of the day, this can prevent one from being able to sleep at night.

* Go to be only when about to sleep. Reading or watching TV in bed is discouraged or to be avoided.

When the mind is conditioned that the bed is for sleeping, once one goes to bed, he or she can readily get some sleep.

* Eat meals regularly.

Meal intake affects biological activities due to increased blood blow to the stomach.

These pointers may be helpful in managing conditions associated with insomnia. Still, some situations require sleep-promoting medications prescribed by a medical specialist.

For more related information visit: http://www.DepressionSymptomsTreatment.com - a site that offers advice for avoiding, coping with depression. Get professional knowledge on dealing with symptoms, drug side effects and improving your life!

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There’s a lot to think about when you need to initiate a difficult interaction — the kind of discussion that is required when a colleague is taking credit for your ideas, is not delivering on their part or is just plain making you look bad.

Before proceeding you might want to check out my article on helping to “get your head in the right place,” which is a process to help you get to a place where you can compassionately express your concern and remain open to the other person’s side of it.

Once you’ve gotten yourself in the right frame of mind, it’s time to plan the actual discussion. For the purposes of this exercise, we’ll call the colleague that we’ll be interacting with, Jackie. Keep in mind that the goals for this process include: a) learning more about Jackie’s perspective (even if you don’t like it), b) approaching her in a way that is respectful of you both, and c) for the troubling behavior to stop.

1. Request time and attention.

Rather than just drop by and ask Jackie, “Can I talk to you?” it can help to first to ask her for 15-20 minutes of her time. This way she knows you want to have a substantive conversation and you know Jackie is willing to invest the time in this conversation. If she says yes, but seems rushed or preoccupied, ask if there is a better time, and nail down a time/day for an appointment. If Jackie says that this time is fine, you can reflect to her that she seems preoccupied, and that you’ll just make an appointment. You can make choices here. Even if she insists that you stay, you can defer the conversation at any time, if you are feeling you do not have her attention. You deserve it.

2. Come from curiosity and humility.

The interaction I just described in tip #1 can escalate quickly if you come across as demanding, accusatory, condescending or defensive. It is important to balance your right to express your concern, and respect that Jackie perhaps has a valid point of view too. If you want to increase the chances the relationship will be preserved, you will want to approach the reconciliation process in a way that does not create more tension.

3. Express your positive intention.

Tell Jackie why you are there, and give her a reason to want to be there too. For instance,

“Jackie, there something that has been happening between us that has been bothering me. I value working with you and want to continue to make that work. So, I didn’t want to draw any conclusions about what I’ve experienced, without talking to you.”

4. Describe the troubling behavior specifically.

“Jackie, I notice that after I agree to a particular task at a project meeting, you ask me the next day if I’ve gotten started on it.”

It’s important to use neutral, not loaded, language, so the interaction isn’t intensified unnecessarily. Describe facts, not opinions or interpretations at this point.

5. Check your assumption.

This is the time to offer your interpretation. At the same time you want to give Jackie room to offer an explanation and/or save face. This step might go like this.

“It’s happened more than once and I’m left feeling like I’ve done something that makes you think I can’t be counted on to follow-through. I don’t want to assume that though. I thought I should check it out with you. Can you tell me about this?”

6. Listen.

This is important… stop speaking for a few moments. Endure some awkward silence if you really want to hear an answer. You may hear just about anything, such as,

a. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

b. “I’m so sorry I’ve left you feeling that way. I guess I’m just feeling under the gun given this is a high-visibility project.”

c. “You’re right. I do feel like I have to keep after you to get things done.”

Here’s where tip #7 comes in handy.

7. Own what is yours, no more, no less.

Reminder - be curious and humble!!

(Below are potential responses to guide you, which correspond with Jackie’s responses above.)

a. “I’m glad that you consider me someone you can count on then. Is there some other reason you check with me regularly?”

b. “I appreciate you sharing that with me. What can I do to relieve some of your concern?”

c. “What is it that I do that makes you feel that way?”

More for item c. Listen. If necessary, follow with, “Is there a specific experience that brought you to that conclusion?” Listen more. Then if appropriate, “What can I do from now on to remedy that?”

You don’t have to get her to admit that she is micromanaging. Consider instead what you are learning from the exchange.

8. Use a backup plan if necessary.

If the discussion just continues down the path of Jackie’s responses 6a or 6c, without producing anything helpful, you can always wrap it up with something like this.

“Our relationship is important to me, and I needed you to know I was feeling this way. I would rather share this with you than keep it from you, to increase our chances of working together better. Thank you for your time.”

Though not completely satisfying, at least you more clearly know what you can expect from Jackie. And, don’t give up all hope. I have found that even when someone like Jackie will not acknowledge anything is amiss, that she will stop the behavior, particularly if I check in with her occasionally over time, regarding the same concern.

9. Make plans to move forward.

If it IS a fruitful interchange, suggest how you can go forward. Possibilities include:

Ask her what she would like you to do differently from now on.

Offer what you are willing to do.

Express what you would like her to do.

Only agree to what you really are willing to do.

Don’t be afraid to offer a counter-proposal.

Tell Jackie you need time to think about a particular request, if necessary.

Plan to regroup together at a later time.

10. Solidify agreement and offer thanks.

Be sure to summarize. This may include articulating:

Agreement on how to go forward, including what actions each of you will take as a result of this discussion.

Agreement to not let an issue exist between you for so long next time.

Your appreciation for the other person’s honesty, willingness to be open, and time.

If you feel Jackie is just “going along” with you to avoid what might be an uncomfortable exchange for her, and she does not follow through with her agreements, you can always follow up with tip #8 eventually.

Though these comments may feel awkward or sound silly at first, remember that it takes time to change your behavior. Practice your response - in front of a mirror, with a friend or even into a tape recorder - until the words, and the feelings behind them, seem natural to you. The point is to be able to approach the situation in a way that is mostly likely going to result in a mutually agreeable resolution, without allowing the other person’s potentially resistant responses to derail you. We can all use practice doing that!

Copyright 2002-2006, Mary C. Schaefer, all rights reserved.

Mary Schaefer is President and Lead Consultant for Artemis Path, LLC. She holds a Master’s in Human Resources Management and is certified as an HR Professional (PHR). Mary’s 20 years of experience in industry, most recently as an HR manager, allows her to effectively coach you as a supervisor, small business owner or employee, on how to get along better at work! You can find more information about how Mary can help you at http://www.artemispath.com

While you are there, check out how the expanded, 14-page eworkbook version of the Ten Ways to Survive Your Current Job can help you!!

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The phrase ‘there’s something about Mary’ may conjure up all sorts of images for you, depending on whether or not you’ve seen the film of that name. But what if Mary’s one of your team, and the thing about her is her unique and rather unpleasant smell?

Tackling a personal hygiene issue at work is never easy. Most people try to ignore it or hope that it’ll miraculously go away. But unfortunately it hasn’t, and it’s getting harder to ignore.

Several other members of your team have commented on it and are now waiting for you to do something. Their own attempts at dropping hints have proved useless and rather expensive - the gift boxes of toiletries have grown bigger with each Christmas and birthday, and yet the smell still lingers.

To be fair, you did try and tackle the subject indirectly during a team meeting. Unfortunately, your request that everyone makes sure they’re always clean and smart for work only succeeded in upsetting the rest of the team, while Mary seemed to remain blissfully unaware that she was the intended target of your comment.

Should you say anything?

Although everyone’s on your case and waiting for you to talk to her, you’re not even sure you have the right to say something - after all, Mary’s very good at her job, and is her BO really that big a problem?

There’s one main reason why people avoid saying anything, and that’s usually their fear of the reaction they’ll get. What if she gets upset or angry? Or what if she walks out? She may well do any or all of these - but then again she may not.

To counteract this, there are three good reasons why you should say something. Firstly, your team are waiting for you to do so. Ok, perhaps they should be tackling issues they have with their colleagues themselves. But they obviously don’t feel confident enough to do it themselves, and they’re waiting for you to show leadership. And if you don’t, perhaps it’ll be the other members of your team that get upset or angry, or start looking for another job.

Problems of this nature can cause huge barriers between colleagues. Although they may actually like Mary, they may end up avoiding having to work closely with her, especially in confined spaces. This is bound to have an impact on everyone’s work.

Which brings me onto the second reason for tackling the issue: BO’s bad for business. What effect is this having on your clients or customers? If Mary only deals with them over the phone, there’s no problem. If on the other hand she regularly meets people, she could be losing you work. Where your clients really have no other choice than to use your organisation (as is often the case in much of the public sector), you might think ‘tough’. Well, if that’s your attitude, you’ve far more to worry about than Mary’s personal hygiene.

The final reason for saying something is Mary herself. If you were Mary, wouldn’t you prefer to be told, than have people whispering about you behind your back? Most people really do prefer to be told about something like this, even though it causes some initial embarrassment. And if Mary is already well aware of the problem, you still need to tackle the issue properly. The hints and endless toiletries are likely to be having a negative effect on her, and might even be taken as a form of bullying.

So, what do you do?

Find somewhere private, where you can talk without being interrupted. You may want to consider somewhere other than your office - if the rest of the team realise what’s going on, the way they watch your door to judge Mary’s reaction as she leaves could make an uncomfortable situation far worse.

Be direct. Beating about the bush will make you both more uncomfortable. You might want to practise an opening phrase beforehand, something like “I’d like to discuss something with you. I’ve noticed you’ve got a body odour problem; we need to talk about it, because it’s affecting the business.”

This ’cause and effect’ structure is very useful - it shows you’re raising the issue for a purpose, rather than just for the sake of it. Of course, it helps if you’ve thought through exactly what effect the problem is causing.

Also, take ownership of what you’re saying - “I’ve noticed” is far better than hiding behind an “everyone’s noticed”.

But what should you do if your initial fear was justified and Mary gets upset or angry? Being told you’ve got BO is obviously not pleasant, so an emotional response is to be expected. Acknowledging her feelings is a good start, and then you need to look at what happens next. You could say something like “You’re clearly upset by this; let’s sort it out.”

In some ways, getting no reaction can be even more difficult. If you just can’t judge how Mary’s feeling, you could try asking, “what do you think about what I’ve just said?” If she says she doesn’t want to discuss it, you need to make it clear that this isn’t an option. Give her time to reflect, setting up a meeting the following day if necessary.

Breaking the news is only part of the story. You can’t assume that now you’ve told her, Mary will be able to do something about it. This could be the case, but she might need your help. Particularly if she already knows she has a problem and hasn’t yet managed to solve it, you’ll need to look at what she’s already tried and then explore other options.

You might want to suggest she visits the doctor, as smells can be symptoms of something else. For example, although you can cover bad breath up with mints, it’s better to tackle the underlying cause, be that gum disease or something else. And talking of underlying medical conditions, be careful about jumping to wrong conclusions. Smelling of alcohol could be the result of drinking, but a similar smell can accompany diabetes.

You should always follow up any action you’ve agreed with ongoing support and encouragement. Tell Mary when you notice improvements, and ask her what’s happening if the problem comes back again.

And finally, avoid falling into the trap of gossiping. If anyone in your team asks what’s going on, let them know you’re dealing with it, but that you won’t say more.

So, when there’s something about Mary (or Martin or Miguel or Meera), you can’t ignore it because it won’t go away. By all means take some time to think through how you want to approach the issue, but in the end you will just have to get on and do it.

Tim Schuler has been a development professional since the mid-1980s and is director of The Development Practice. He has substantial experience of helping people improve their management capability, communication skills and personal effectiveness.

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The pain of grieving is there for all losses, whether spouse or lover. A partnership transcends labels and roles and one’s partner is primary when a strong bond exists. Regardless of how the relationship is named, the pain of loss requires healing. In life, we may be exposed to mini losses several times before a major loss presents itself. We “deal with it” and even understand it to a small degree. Yet, we are not schooled in loss or prepared for it in life, so when we experience a larger loss it can feel devastating.

When we love and lose someone, whether that someone is lesbian, homosexual, bisexual or transgender, we are overwhelmed by pain and sorrow. However, when our relationship is out of the mainstream, we might already have been so criticized and saddened, that in this final loss, we find it much more difficult to grieve, heal and move on to a fulfilling new life.
No one can understand totally the pain of another. We can meet at waysides of commonality and share our experiences and progress, and although there is healing in the act of sharing, we still feel alone in our sadness. What touches us in a positive way is when we feel understood. The loneliness of loss and alienation affects us deeply at the level of our souls.
Mourning the loss of a partner within a non-traditional relationship can encompass an additional burden if there is little family or community-at-large support. Such relationships may have had less approval, or in the case of a gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender partner, even have been kept secret. If the immediate family is not approving of this relationship, they have trouble being supportive. In fact, they may not understand, but may also be angry over the relationship. The reality is that out of the mainstream experiences are harder to understand and accept when they are not “your experience.”

Parents who have accepted their non-mainstream children, who love and support them, don’t have to understand everything. Their love is a support platform. That said, however, joining a traditional support group may not be seen as a viable option because there is no common ground. Parents who are grieving want to meet other parents who are grieving. Grown children who are grieving want a group with others like themselves.

Widows/widowers prefer being with other widows/widowers although there are similarities, there are many differences. People want a good match, the compatibility that comes with shared understanding and similarities. People who are gay do not see a mainstream support group as a major support for themselves because “they will not understand.” People want a match for their experience; they want to know that they can feel understood and loved and not judged or ridiculed. They will drop out of mainstream grief support groups that don’t accept them.

The Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual & Transgender Community Center
Established in 1983, the New York-based Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual & Transgender Community Center has grown to become the largest LGBT multi-service organization on the East Coast and second largest LGBT community center in the world.

Doneley Meris, M.A., C.T. (Masters in Bereavement Counseling; Certified Thanatologist/Death Educator) is their Team Leader for Outreach and Education, Center CARE. Challenges for the LGBT community over grieving and healing are dependent on sensitive and inclusive grief LGBT-focused support groups according to Meris. Major cities have been able to address this concern by facilitating support groups but Middle America still needs to incorporate this unique service to the LGBT community which is a major challenge as religion, morality, and politics often get in the way.
Meris maintains a bereavement psychotherapy practice in New York City where the focus of his work primarily is to meet the challenges of the LGBT bereaved community(ies).

“The LGBT community today continues to face discrimination in more mainstream venues for (bereavement) services,” says Meris. “When you add HIV/AIDS into the mix, the sexual orientation and the stigma attached to AIDS become major barriers to the comfort level, trust, and safety of LGBT individuals who attempt to participate in service programs that are not LGBT identified or sensitive. Secondly, there are many institutions that provide grief services that have not had sufficient and realistic trainings working with the LGBT bereavement population.

“There is sensitivity and humaneness specially required of any service practitioner in order to effectively move the healing process for this unique group of individuals. The big elephant of homophobia and heterosexism even in death has to be dealt with to be effective in providing quality grief services.”

According to Meris, grief counseling, however, is provided in many venues. “Association for Death Education and Counseling (ADEC) has been very actively engaging and encouraging funeral homes, hospital chaplains, hospices, churches, HIV/AIDS service agencies, and other mental health and community-based organizations to incorporate grief services particularly to LGBT individuals in their service provision. Various websites have sprung up that address the unique grief challenges of the LGBT community.”

Excerpted from THE HEALING POWER OF GRIEF: The Journey Through Loss to Life and Laughter by Gloria Lintermans & Marilyn Stolzman, Ph.D., L.M.F.T., http://www.championpress.com, ISBN 1-932783-48-2

Drawn to the healing aspect of grief counseling, Los Angeles-based Dr. Marilyn Stolzman is a professional counselor specializing in bereavement. Dr. Stolzman created and directs the Southern California bereavement and transition support program, H.O.P.E. UNIT FOUNDATION, which offers a life-affirming two-year support group program.

Los Angeles-based Gloria Lintermans is a former internationally syndicated columnist. She is a freelance writer who has written for national and local magazines and the author of the enormously successful CHEAP CHIC: A Guide to LA’s Resale Boutiques (1990), the “ultimate guide to recycled fashion,” and forerunner of RETRO CHIC: A Guide to Fabulous Vintage and Designer Resale Shopping in North America & Online (Really Great Books, Los Angeles, 2002) and The Newly Divorced Book of Protocol (Barricade Books, New York, 1995).

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